Cliché's My Last Name
by Stfu
Summary: Ch 5: "Tenten, you're a failure at life." Honey, you've never seen anything more cliché.
1. High School Part I

A/N: This is all fun and jokes. I apologize beforehand to readers who find this offensive.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Overall Summary: Every single possible cliché within the FF world of Naruto—exposed, explained, and exaggerated.

First Arc's Summary: On the first day of school in Konoha High, our four mediocre girls originating from lower to middle class families encounter four rich hotties, and to everyone's surprise, they fall in love.

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><p>It is a beautiful, sunny morning in Konaha—please ignore the fact that the author already makes a spelling error—and the flowers are suddenly blooming and the grass is greener than ever before and birds are chirping and there's a triple rainbow in the sky even though it hasn't rained in two months and god dammit this endless sentence is missing a lot of commas. In other words, it is the perfect first day of school for our lovely shinobi.<p>

Let's start this oh-so-original story from the point of view of our favorite (not to mention, _only_) pink-haired ninja in Konoha. And yes, the author unconsciously spells Konoha correctly this time.

We'll just conveniently insert a line break here to officially indicate a shift in perspective.

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><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

My first words are either "Oh my gosh, I'm late!" or "Five more minutes, mom!" but considering how the author is feeling exceptionally brainless today and can't think of my mother's name at the moment, we'll go with the former.

"OH MY GOSH," I shriek with unnecessary capitalization in all its glory. "I'm late!"

I jump out of my bed, directing a vivid string of curses toward my useless alarm clock, and head straight for the shower. After 45 seconds, I exit the bathroom, fully clothed in my rather revealing school uniform. I think I forget to brush my teeth.

Anyhow, a mirror appears out of nowhere beside me and I can't help but check myself out. The author puts great effort into providing a detailed description of my appearance, mentioning my flawless skin, my bubble-gum hair, my emerald eyes, my tie, and my short skirt. After that's done, and the readers are left speechless from my badass outfit, I remember that I'm late for the first day of school.

"Oh my gosh," I say again, except in a more civilized manner because the author's Caps Lock isn't working properly. I quickly smear a coat of pink lipstick onto my luscious lips, grab my pink bag, glide heavenly across my pink room and then out the pink door.

My mom, who's still nameless, greets me with a smile, shoves a piece of toast into my mouth, and scolds me for being tardy. I bid farewell and storm out the front door, running as fast as I can instead of taking the bus because I can't afford to, and also 'cause the prestigious Konoha High falls from the sky and plants itself right next door. Here's where the author expects the readers to shiver from the beautiful name she has assigned the school.

Then, as I'm running, I offer a brief introduction about myself. I start off with "Hi, I'm Haruno Sakura." After a five paragraph essay about my past, my family's low income, and my weight or height, I talk about how I'm super excited about transferring to this new school. So excited that I'm about half an hour late.

But wait—oh, no! The author is getting tired of writing about me, so we'll move the spotlight to Tenten, our second favorite superstar.

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><p><span>Tenten's POV<span>

I'm a bit less self-absorbed than Sakura so I'll just provide a short summary about my missing surname, my tomboyish appearance, and my love for sports. I check the mirror as well, but only to make sure that my hair buns are symmetrically bolstered on my brunette head. The author isn't in the mood to explain my outfit, so let's imagine that I look badass too.

I'm also from a family with financial problems so I walk to school as well. And what do you know? As I'm making my way down the street, a humungous motorcycle comes flying in my direction. I get super pissed and scream at whoever's riding on the vehicle. However, once the rider takes off his helmet, I shut up. The man's freakishly long, silky hair unravels onto his broad shoulders and his lavender eyes stare into my poor, surname-less soul. I forget that I'm mad at him because he's so damn beautiful, but the author reminds me.

"Watch where you're going!" I yell with all my might.

In response, the man chuckles with incredible arrogance and waits until the wind blows his hair in just the right way before speaking. "You were in my way," he says in the sexiest voice possible, and I almost swoon.

But I don't fall in love with him just yet, because the author decides that I'm one of those hardcore hard-to-get types of women, though we all know that I'm a total tsundere. But wait—you didn't hear that; I'm not supposed to reveal the author's greatest plot twist to the ignorant readers just yet!

Anyhow, he decides that he finds me interesting and after a second or two, we somehow exchange names. I act like I'm still pretty pissed but the author thinks that a mere smirk from Hyuuga Neji will make everything better so let's completely skip that angry part. Soon, the mysterious long-haired motorcyclist rides off down the street and around the left corner, even though Konoha High is in the opposite direction. Regardless, I make my way to school.

Aw, damn. My time's almost up as well. God, Stfu's being such a pregnant cow–

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Did you hear Tenten say something just now? Something about me being a hormonal farm animal? Good, me neither! Anyway, the author (let's call her AA from now on; it'll make things a lot easier) is too exhausted to write the morning routines of Hinata and Ino, so she'll just assume that the readers know them already.

So, where were we? Ah yes, Tenten has already met her soulmate, and Sakura is about to meet hers. But no—AA will save that for the next chapter cause a NejiTen moment, a motorcycle, and a cow all in the first chapter is already more than the readers can handle.

For now, we'll move to the scene where Sakura and Tenten magically arrive at Konaha (aw, AA misspells it again) High at the same time and become BBBFFLs in 3 seconds. That stands for Best Best Best Friends For Life, just in case some of my readers are not as up to date with AA's classy SMS text.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so late," Sakura says for the third f00kin' time. (Sorry, AA's not old enough to type legit curses.)

Sakura runs some more and talks to herself some more and before she knows it, she is standing face-to-face with the tall, intimidating gates of Konoha High. Even though she's about 40 minutes late, the gates are still open, and she walks through them. However, she hears light footsteps behind her—calm down, SasuSaku shippers, Sasuke's not in this chapter—and turns around to see a girl with chocolate donuts on her head.

They say hi, talk about how cool it is that they're both girls, seventeen, and late on their first day at a new school. As a result, as I've mentioned before, they become best friends. They walk into the school building together (proving that they're BFFLs), and disregarding the lateness, still find time to compare their schedules, realizing that Chemistry's their only shared class.

Before they can whine about this, however, something terribly catastrophic happens. And it involves the village's one and only psychopathic principal, who with a single flick of the pinky can destroy a planet, by the name of—surprise!—Tsunade-sama! Wow, to involve even the fifth hokage herself in this fic, AA's pretty creative, huh?

Insert insane cliffhanger here.

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><p><span>AN: Motorcyclist Neji likes reviews.


	2. High School Part II

A/N: Continuation of the cliché high school setting. No, I'm not on crack.

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Okay, so it's not as catastrophic as AA made it out to be. Tsunade is simply too drunk for sanity, and screams out her lungs at Sakura and Tenten, commenting about how lateness is never appreciated.

Enter her handy assistant, who's 95% of the time Shizune. With a pig (Bonbon? Tumtum? Sorry, googling is too much of a hassle for AA) in her arms, Shizune somehow calms the huge-breasted woman down, and apologizes to the two traumatized girls. They exit and walk to their separate classes.

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><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

During first period, which is English Literature, and is for some reason my absolute _fave_, I—wait, isn't it Ino's turn?

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><p><span>Ino's POV<span>

Hi, I'm Yamanara Ino. AA's an ardent ShikaIno fangirl and unintentionally mixed Shikamaru's last name with mine. The nerve of her. Ugh, whatever. I've waited way too long for this pretentious monologue to waste time worrying about trivial matters. Now that I think about it, AA's determining the lengths of these POV sections with word count. And I've already wasted about 1/4 of it explaining a misconception with someone else's last name that I'm not supposed to even know yet. I should really stop. Really.

As I was saying, I'm Yamanaka Ino, with a_ k_. It stands for kissable. Wow, let's all laugh at AA's first attempt at a joke.

I'm blonde, but not a dumb one. (Insert a few snickers from the readers here.) I have dreamy eyes that Shikamaru often compares to the blue skies he always stares at during his leisure time. But that doesn't happen until around Chapter 3 or 15. Damn. AA, please remove all these spoilers.

Onto my morning routine! Just mentally copy and paste Sakura's here, except make my skirt a little bit shorter, and my coat of lip gloss a bit thicker. Needless to say, my appearance is far more superior than Sakura's, as well as Tenten's. Wait, I'm not supposed to know their names yet. Backspace, AA, backspace!

Well, I have a part time job at my family's flower shop because as shocking as it may seem, I'm from a not-so-rich household. Nevertheless, I enjoy my job because I'm a good daughter and flowers make me smile. Which is why I steal one from the shop everyday and stick it in my hair to make myself even more charming—though I'm pretty sure my beauty is already at its maximum. Whoa, why am I suddenly emanating this fantabulous (which I'd like to point out, is not an official word) wave of repulsive arrogance? Oh yeah, speaking of my hair—it's very, very long and very, very silky and requires high maintenance. Furthermore, I—

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><p><span>Hinata's POV<span>

I t-think it's rather r-rude to i-i-i-interrupt…

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><p><span>Ino's POV<span>

It's fine, Hinata. I've had my moment.

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><p><span>Hinata's POV<span>

Good m-morning, e-everyone. The only d-distinctive quality that I'm g-given is the god damn s-s-s-s-s-s-stuttering trait that I refuse to continue displaying from now on. As you all know, I'm gentle, intelligent, cute but _mute_. Every single author depicts me as either a professional mime or a leaking faucet. That is one cliché that you'll find absent in this fic, most likely because AA is too lazy to insert a thousand dashes in one POV section, which my stammering moments often call for.

In this fic, I am in no possible way related to Hyuuga Neji, because then, the NejiTen aspect of this story would progress too effortlessly and quickly for AA's liking, for she likes the other pairings just as much and wishes to give them equal advantages.

I think that's all I have to say for now. You can't really blame me for providing such limited information; AA decided from the start that I should be portrayed as the dullest of the four main characters.

Equal advantages, my Hyuugan ass.

Oh, I mean—ah, gomenasai, I'm too OOC; my s-s-s-stuttering has to s-s-somehow r-return, and I'm s-sure it will c-continue to do so t-t-throughout the e-entire fic. But rest assured, I'll kick that cliché in the ass every single time it does.

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><p><span>Ino's POV<span>

What happened to AA's inability to curse?

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Ass ain't a legit swear word. It can be defined as a donkey in another context.

God, I swear, Ino always talks too much. So it kinda makes sense that she's late as well. To the extent that on her first day of school, she misses not one morning class, but three.

But fortunately, so does Nara Shikamaru, who earns the title of Konoha's laziest man. He oversleeps on 6 of the school days, although they're only 5. AA's finding it too troublesome to explain that mathematical error so let's just leave it at that. And inevitably, Ino and Shika cross paths in front of Konoha's secret back entrance, for the front gates are finally closed. Can AA get some applause for including the second romantic meeting so soon in the chapter?

Now let's rewind for a bit and return to about 7 AM, 'cause oddly, the events of the fic do not follow a chronological order. At 7:01, Hinata leaves the Hyuuga main branch's compound—which, don't forget, Neji is excluded from—and arrives at Konoha High approximately twenty minutes before homeroom begins.

No, she does not step out from a limousine, because the summary specifically states that our four main girls aren't wealthy. We'll pretend Hiashi-san over-invested in the stock market and lost a huge amount of money when Konoha's economy crashed. Though I don't recall the village ever having an economy in the first place…

However, to her surprise, as well as everyone else's, the moment she sets foot on the marble hallway of her new high school, a random skateboard explodes through a nearby classroom door and sweeps her off her little feet. Basically, she trips and is about to fall flat on her face. But it's pretty obvious that AA won't let Hinata enter a depressing coma in the same chapter she's made her first appearance in. In fact, this is the perfect chance to insert yet another romantically charged scene, so get ready, NaruHina lovers.

Naruto catches Hinata.

AA is too excited from just thinking about this fluffy scene that she can't bring herself to describe the phenomena with better adjectives. Nevertheless, she's positive that half the readers will squeal at the earthshaking three-word NaruHina moment and give fifteen pages of reviews as praise.

The two cuties manage to hold their cheesy poses for five whole minutes before Hinata finally realizes that a boy's face is about fifteen centimeters from hers. Hinata jumps at least three meters away from the grinning male, her face turning into a bleeding piece of red pepper once she concludes that Naruto's delighted expression is directed at her—when in reality, the fox is simply debating whether or not to order miso ramen for lunch.

But hey, that's how most relationships start: with food.

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><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

Holy cow, it's about time the cycle's order returned to me! I'm the first one AA introduced after all—

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><p><span>Tenten's POV<span>

As the readers have been warned before, this story defies the universal concept of chronological sequence. So I guess we can skip Sakura, who I remind you, is my BBBBFFL. Yeah, I attached an additional B cause that's just how tight we are.

Anyhow, first period's over in a jiffy, mainly 'cause I missed 50 minutes of it, and now I'm walking with Sakura to Chemistry, our only class together.

We choose to sit in the window seats of the last two rows of the room 'cause according to AA, cool peeps are always in the back. I sit behind Sakura, and you guessed it, Sakura sits in front of me.

The second period bell soon rings, and everyone shuffles to their seats. Sakura and I are gossiping nonetheless and fail to notice that the classroom suddenly becomes very, very, _very_ quiet.

Sakura, being the more insightful one between us, realizes after 40 seconds and observes many of the other classmates, who all have their wide eyes glued to a certain someone beside her. I watch her turn her head to the right, my eyes following the direction as well.

She gasps.

And so do I.

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><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

HUNK ALERT. HUNK ALERT. HUNK ALERT.

Look at those deep, gorgeous, onyx eyes! I could just drown in them! And check out his strangely shaped but still spectacular hair! What a showstopping fashion statement! God, that man's _so_ bold.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. He's looking at me. What should I do? What should I do?

I quickly turn away, fanning myself with a restless hand.

Tenten slaps me.

"You didn't have to say all that out loud," she whispers frantically into my ear.

I want to crawl under a rock. "Oh, _shit._" My head turns mechanically to my right, where my future husband is seated arrogantly. God, I want his babies. Wait, focus, Sakura! This is embarrassing enough!

The man's narcotic gaze eyes me judgmentally. "Hn," is his reply.

OH MY GOSH.

I immediately grab a pencil and notepad out of my super cute pencil case and write a note to Tenten. I fling it backwards without turning back, but because AA wants to finish the romantic first moments once and for all, my aim fails and the note lands on the dark-haired delicious thang sitting beside me.

I shoot myself.

He slowly picks it up from his lap and unfolds it. "Did you hear the way he said that? He was totally hitting on me just now! Oh my god, I'm in love, Tenten. I'm_ so_ in love. He's so hot. I wanna talk to him. I wanna date him. I wanna marry him. I wanna meet his parents. STOP ME, TENTEN. STOP ME. STOP HARUNO SAKURA. SHE'S LOSING IT," he reads out quietly. How all that was able to fit on the tiny piece of paper rested beyond AA's understanding.

I melt.

"I'm flattered," the handsome man murmurs, "Haruno Sakura."

I die.

"Shit, Sakura! Your nose is bleeding!" I hear Tenten exclaim.

But I'm already lost in Cloud Nine.

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><p><span>AN: First arc: complete. Remember, reviews make the world go round!


	3. Arranged Marriage Part I

A/N: As we've all encountered before, a cliche relying solely on the 'arranged marriage' pretense in an attempt to mix and mash two strangers together is about the cruelest thing you can do to an undeveloped couple. Not only is the potential for a true romance to bloom crushed, but_—_uh, what exactly am I babbling on about?

Second Arc's Summary: Haruno Sakura has always believed that she would one day meet and marry her prince charming. However, her walls come crumbling down once her loving parents inform her of an arranged marriage.

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

To the world's disappointment, this type of cliché plot almost never unfolds with a poetic prologue bragging about the sun's gold radiance and the sky's brilliant shade of cerulean. In fact, most authors skip the setting entirely and delve straight into the action.

Before the real action is revealed however, there always needs to be a god damn flashback. And don't you dare forget the golden rule, AA. Flashbacks MUST be italicized.

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><p><span>Still, Stfu's POV<span>

"_Daddy, am I a princess?" the five year old, self-conceited imbecile asks her father._

_He doesn't want to break her heart with a "Don't flatter yourself, honey!" so he tapes on a bright smile and nods. "Of course, sweetheart!"_

_Little Sakura grins like a fool upon hearing this and continues playing with her toy dolls. Her father watches with bliss and ruffles his precious girl's pink hair with a gentle hand. After a minute or so, Sakura, with her unbelievably short attention span, gets bored with Barbie and Ken so she returns her focus to her dishonest parental unit. "Daddy, will I get to marry my prince charming?"_

_Her dad suppresses a WTF look, wondering how in the world his daughter's mind's able to spew out such regurgitation. "Uh…of course, munchkin." _

_Sakura's mom then enters the room and almost immediately receives a troubled expression from her husband—who she was definitely cheating on last night. She comes to the rescue and lifts baby Sakura from the pink carpeted floor. "It's time for your nap, cupcake!" The human cupcake is placed in its crib (although it's already five years old), and falls asleep in 2.3 milliseconds. Which gives Sakura's parents the perfect opportunity to discuss their precarious, bizarre, top-secret matters—specifically, the arranged marriage between their daughter and a certain lad. _

_Here's where half the readers spend an hour and a half wondering and pondering about the lad's identity. Half of that half is convinced that it's one of AA's OCs, though she hasn't created any yet._

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><p><span>STILL, Stfu's POV<span>_  
><em>

Haruno Sakura always wanted to meet and marry her prince charming. She's been dreaming—

We've established that with the flashback already. Is it all that necessary to mention it again?

—about her dark-haired, tall, muscular, bootilicious knight in shining armor ever since her father told that preposterous lie fifteen years ago. Yes, you math geeks, five plus fifteen is definitely nineteen, so Sakura is nineteen years old.

Alright, let's get to the suspenseful scene now. All of a god damn sudden, Sakura hears a rustle beside her—oh yeah, pretend she just happens to be the only one near this area in broad daylight on a Saturday morning. She doesn't scream in fright (how very OOC indeed) and wordlessly observes her surroundings. She soon catches a glimpse of something dark blue above her.

Is it a UFO? Is it a tsunami? Is it a bird? Close! It's a chicken-haired Uchiha who suddenly pokes his head through a cherry blossom tree, even though the setting didn't include any sign of plants a few seconds ago. The male jumps courageously from a sturdy tree branch and lands gracefully on his two firm feet (the point of including the number of feet he has remains a mystery) and flashes Sakura his trademark lady-killing smirk.

Sakura blinks, completely unaffected. "Oh, it's just a kid," she recites blankly and walks on.

"_What?_" a voice behind her screeches with as much masculinity as possible. "A _kid?_"

"That's right." The pink head spins around. "Why else would you be playing hide-and-seek in a tree by yourself?"

"You—you little…" the chicken man begins to sputter OOC-ishly. He clears his throat and regains his super duper cool image. "I was planning to ambush you with a surprise attack from above."

Sakura flips a strand of loose hair from her sparkly eyes. "I rest my case." She turns around and struts away, adding a quiet "Immature rodent" as a farewell.

Clearly, first impressions aren't going very well. But don't worry, SasuSaku fanatics, we'll get the romance up and moving faster than you can say racecar backwards.

Sakura returns home shortly after the mediocre incident by the blooming tree, which has already been magically removed from the setting by the fic's backstage crew. The moment she steps into the Haruno household, her parents call her to the living room and sit her down.

"Sakura sunnyfunnyhoneybunny, we've set up an arranged marriage for you," her father chimes. There is no attempt to avoid, stall, or indirectly hint at the subject. It's short, simple, and sweet.

Sakura shrieks and jumps off a cliff. Sadly, the steepest cliff in her house is the staircase to the mini basement, and it contains only three steps. When she realizes that suicide is not a smart option, she returns to the living room, where her parents seem to be waiting in the exact same positions as before.

"But daddy, you said I was going to marry my prince charming!" Sakura whines.

Her father, once again weak as a toothpick, turns to his wife for assistance. Sakura's mother sighs and holds her daughter's hands lovingly. "Dearest, that was a misunderstanding. No woman ever finds a decent man to marry, let alone a perfect prince. I mean, look at your father for instance." She flashes a dirty look at the man. He cowers. "But somehow, I still managed to overcome the obstacles my incompetent husband generated, and gave birth to a beautiful sunshine like you." Her mother gets all yucky and sentimental. "I love you very much, Sakura."

"I love you too, mommy!" Sakura sniffs—whether it's because she's crying or sick, AA doesn't bother to tell us—and nods emphatically at her mother's dire misfortune. "Mom, I've decided. I agree to the marriage arrangement." She outstretches her arms and hugs her mom dramatically.

The older Haruno returns the embrace and swallows the urge to reply, "As if you had a choice, sweetie."

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><p><span>AN: Would you like a human cupcake?


	4. Arranged Marriage Part II

A/N: Continuation of the cliché arranged marriage arc.

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Sakura wakes up to the musical chirps of—

Wait, what? Am I the only one who doesn't remember any indication of the girl sleeping in the first place? (Pause.) What do you mean it's implied? Nowhere in this fic did anybody mention—whoa,_ excuse me_? AA, do _not_ raise your voice at me.

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><p>We apologize. We're currently experiencing some technical difficulties.<p>

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><p>Ahem, forget what I said earlier. AA has went out of her way to enlighten a naive, young grasshopper like me.<p>

Please keep in mind that all readers are expected to be telekinetically talented and should be, without even being notified, aware that every second chapter of these kinds of fics begins with our protagonist waking up at 9 in the morning. In this case, it's especially obvious, because the first chapter concluded with a hug. All endings with a warm, familial hug must shift to 9 AM in the morning in the next chapter. Isn't that like the first golden rule all writers memorize before publishing anything?

Alright, continue, AA.

Sakura wakes up to the shimmering rays of sunlight beaming through—

Sorry, but what the hell happened to the musical chirps? (Pause.) _Pardon? _What do you mean the birds died? (Another pause.) AA, you never even mentioned that a missing nin was going around murdering every form of wildlife in the village of Kono—wait a damn minute…this fic's taking place in a completely modernized alternative universe; what are missing ninjas and Konoha doing here? (AA speaks gibberish.) Ah, I see, so it's another golden rule…

Excuse the interruption. Let's proceed.

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><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

I usually like waking up to the sun's invigorating rays. I find them refreshing. But not today. Because _today_, oh today, today, today. _Today_ is the day; it's… today is, wow—today is _today. _TODAY is… the day I meet my future husband.

Here's when five to six readers try to count how many times the word today appeared.

But wait, the meaningful repetition is far from over.

'Cause today is gonna be one helluva dreadful day. _Today_ will determine my status, family tree, income, future, destiny, fate, death, afterlife, and reincarnation. _Today_ is the turning point of my mediocre life of 20 years. Today, I _evolve_. Like a beautiful cherry blossom on the first day of spring. Or a pokemon.

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Just when I think AA can't possibly destroy this story even further, she proves me wrong. I'll be dominating the POV sections for now. Honestly, does Sakura's part even make sense?

Our beloved pink head wakes up, falls off her bed, and spends an hour trying to look presentable. Only after she finishes grooming do her parents call her downstairs for breakfast. 'Cause when our main character is doing something important, all side characters in the story freeze in space and time until said person is finished before any multi-character interaction can be initiated.

Sakura runs to the kitchen (critical thinking question: where's the dining room?) for breakfast, feeling moody and pathetic. She complains about how arranged marriages are mean and cruel and not nice and not kind. Clearly, somebody has been working on her vocabulary.

Sakura's parents react with utmost sympathy, repeating, "I'm sorry, honey, but life just isn't fair sometimes!" and other sugary phrases that share an equivalent meaning with "Suck it up". Their daughter murmurs something about not looking forward to the meeting with her fiancé, although we all know that the exact opposite holds truth.

But we've done enough talking. Let's do some walking.

The three are teleported by a random person (the missing nin, perhaps?) and find themselves in front of the Uchiha manor. Yes, the _Uchiha_ manor. Bet you didn't see that coming, SasuSaku fans! They make their way up the steps and through the entrance, staring with horror at the brutally sliced, twisted corpses littering the floor and the two Uchiha brothers standing in the middle of everything—holy shit, sorry; wrong fic.

Anyway, the Haruno bunch shuffles toward the mansion, and knocks on its fancy door politely. It opens.

Chaos ensues.

"You!"

"Hn."

"You're that kid!"

"Hn."

"What in the world are you doing here?"

"Hn."

"Oh no—don't tell me…you're…" Her eyes widen in a really unattractive way.

Uchiha Sasuke raises an eyebrow at the ugly sight. "I'm?"

Sakura points a menacing but beautifully manicured finger (her nail polish is pink and green; you'll probably never guess why) at the man, and turns to her parents in devastation. "He…h-he's…" She gulps.

Her parents blink once, then twice. Then holy crap, thrice. Just to build up enough suspense for the readers.

"A stalker!" she screams.

Sasuke refuses to let his icy exterior crack. "_Pardon?_"

Sakura, still facing her perplexed mommy and daddy, nods her head wildly. "He's been following me all day! By the tree, by the flowers, by the cherry blossoms… just everywhere!"

A sphere of Chidori is on the verge of blasting through a certain girl's pink head. "Haruno Sakura-san, those were all located at a single place."

The girl shrieks incomprehensible Japanese dialogue. "You…you even know…my _name_?" She whips her head back to her parents, who were told (by AA, I assume) to keep silent for the past few minutes to allow some uber kawaii bickering between the two teens. "He even knows my name!"

Her mother, suddenly able to reappear into the conversation again, simply smiles. "Well, of course he does, honey!"

Her father's mouth is miraculously able to move as well. "He's your fiancé after all!"

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><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. _How could this_—**OH MY GOSH**. This is_ ABSURD. _**WHY AM I CAPITALIZING**_** AND**_** BOLDING **_**AND **_**ITALICIZING MY WORDS? **That's totally like a triple violation of the fundamental writing style techniques within the English language in the FF world.

But still, oh my dear gosh—I must be the unluckiest girl in the history of beautiful and unlucky girls. What could've possibly lead to this devastating course of events? To be engaged to that…_**THAT**_—that immaturely arrogant, but kind of really, really handsome, little bastard!

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><p><span>Sasuke's POV<span>

Stfu and AA are in every mental, physical, psychological, psychoanalytical, technical, literal, figurative, philosophical, mathematical, scientific, biological, and genetic way inferior to me, and therefore cannot write from my point of view.

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><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Sasuke, the mere fact that you're able to say all that proves that we just wrote through your perspective.

Anyway, according to _Book of Golden Cliché Rules_, we must shift from the two lovebirds' first official encounter directly to the night before their wedding day. So shift, we shall!

* * *

><p><span>Sakura's POV<span>

It is 9 PM.

I am in my bed.

I am trying to sleep.

I am trying to function properly.

I am trying to think of more meaningless one-liners in an attempt to prolong my POV section.

Sasuke-kun and I are getting married.

_**TOMORROW. **_

OH MY GOSH.

* * *

><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Sakura sits up from her resting position, crawls not head first, but elbow first to the floor, dragging her blanket and pillow down with her in the process, temporarily strangles herself in the mess, resurfaces after ten painful seconds, manages a cartwheel in the opposite direction, and finally squirms toward her bedside table to grab her phone. Don't ask why she didn't just directly bring her arm to the nightstand from her seat on the bed.

Sakura dials a number she's memorized by heart and by toes, and holds the electronic up to her ear.

After half an hour or so, the call finally gets through and a stingy voice says, "Explain how and why your phone call is worth pausing my manicure, pedicure, and facial care package session for and maybe I won't hang up too rudely."

"Ino, my wedding's tomorrow."

There's an explosion, a scream, and a sound of an enthusiastic vacuum cleaner. "I'll be right over."

What inevitably follows is a series of doorbell rings, a tearful reunion, an hour of an intense Q&A session, another hour of screaming and prancing and clasping hands, and three hours of planning for the ah-mazing wedding. Sakura's parents are unaware of all these events because AA most likely prescribed them deadly sleeping pills the previous night.

"We _have_ to go shopping," Ino says, a half-manicured hand running through her long ponytail.

Sakura lets out an obnoxiously shrill giggle. "You silly pig! I already got my dress. What kind of bride would I be—"

"It's for _me._" Ino clicked her tongue in slight annoyance. "_I_ don't have my dress."

The bride-to-be blinks. "…Oh."

And so they're off, on a cab to the nearest open mall at 6 AM in the morning.

They return to Sakura's house by around 4 PM or so, all set. Dresses, check. Jewels, check. Purses, check. Perfume, check. Right high heels, check. Left high heels—

"OH MY GOSH." Sakura throws a purple brick at the floor in extreme panic. "Ino, where is my left shoe?"

Ino admires the brick's fascinating color. "How am I supposed to know?"

"…OH MY—"

"Oh, wait!" Ino offers to help for once. "You dropped it in the cab."

Sakura's face muscles freeze. "And. You. Didn't. Tell. Me."

Ino whips out a nail file and gets to work. "Well, it wasn't _my_ shoe, so I didn't think it was too important, and therefore didn't feel the need to make a scene, dear."

"You. Self. Conceited. Little. _Bitch._"

* * *

><p>WWIII initiates.<p>

* * *

><p><span>Stfu's POV<span>

Fortunately, despite the two misleading words within the previous line breaks, the cat fight comes to an end with zero character deaths, the only real casualty being Sakura's left silver high heel. To the blonde drama queen's dismay, Sakura takes back the invitation and threatens her with a restraining order and another purple brick. Therefore, Ino marches toward a grassy plain somewhere in the mountains and complains to a sleeping Shikamaru, while Sakura finds herself with no bridesmaid(s).

Sakura never manages to find her shoe or a maid in time for the wedding, but figures that her dress is long enough to cover her feet anyway, and therefore uses a brown Ugg boot as a replacement for it. For the shoe, not the maid. Needless to say, this results in some serious balance issues, and Sakura falls nearly eight times during her catwalk down the aisle. Fortunately, all the wedding guests are too preoccupied with the sight of Uchiha Sasuke to notice the pink head's strange dance moves.

Hot damn, Sasuke looks almost edible in that tuxedo.

Anyway, after an hour or so, Sakura finally makes it to her fiancé's side safely, and they exchange vows.

And now, I hereby present to all of ya'll the moment ya'll all been waiting for. Hold on to your pants, guys.

The bald and holy wedding minister parts his lips. "You may now kiss the—"

"I OBJECT."

Sakura twirls around to glare at the intruding troll. "OH MY GOSH," she automatically screeches her one and only script line and rushes off the aisle with a ludicrous smile and open arms. "You…you f-f-found…MY LEFT HEEL."

"YOU BET I DID," Ino replies with equally irritating capitalization. "Now take that hideous Ugg boot off. Ugh, I can't believe you survived with that on."

Sakura kicks it off and steps into her left silver heel. She tears up, and then Ino tears up, and then the two share an intimate embrace. Ahem, calling all yuri fans!

Anyway, after that unexpected SakuIno moment, time is no longer frozen and Sasuke is back in the story.

"You may now kiss the bride."

So Sasuke does.

(Extremely long pause.)

AA, I let you handle a kiss scene for once, I repeat, _for once_ in your entire writing career, because I feel exceptionally generous today, and this is the crap you give me? The word _kiss_ doesn't even appear during the kiss scene! What kind of bullcrap is this? I quit. I quit TODAY. Today, I quit. _Today, _I—oh, today, _today…_TODAY, I—

He kisses her.

His tongue protrudes from his mouth excitedly as it licks the corner of her moist lips, begging for entrance at first, but violently thrusting past her teeth an impatient second later. Their tongues dance hungrily, desperately, and lustfully. It's violating and it hurts; more pain is derived from it than pleasure, but Sakura couldn't have asked for more. The kiss is beautiful. Sakura allows the awaiting streams of dampness to flow from her emerald eyes because she finally realizes that the man before her at this very moment is the prince charming she has been waiting for all along. He only envelopes his arms around her more tightly, possessively, and—

OH MY GOSH. AA, you_…_YOU_—you_…_  
><em>

* * *

><p>We apologize. We're again experiencing some technical difficulties.<p>

* * *

><p><span>AN: Arranged marriage arc's complete.


	5. Confession After Training I

A/N: Dedicated to Animewitch17.

Third Arc's Summary: On a typical day at Team Gai's training grounds, Neji and Tenten engage in a meaningful conversation that somehow leads to love, flowers, and sunsets.

* * *

><p>Whenever the setting shares relevance with training grounds, there's always ground. Wait—I mean, there's always training. So let's begin with an epic description about Team Gai's training session.<p>

Tenten throws a kunai.

It bounces off Neji's hair.

Tenten throws a tree.

It bounces off Neji's tooth.

Tenten throws Lee.

He bounces off Neji's ego.

Long story short, Neji's Jesus on the battlefield and Tenten can't land a blow on him. But that's okay, 'cause that's the main reason why Tenten's in love with him. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't love a long-haired, white-eyed, Japanese ninja who spins out blue craters of impenetrable defense, destroying the earth's ground, consequently awaking underwater volcanoes, and eventually contributing to global warming itself?

Anyway, after seven hours of throwing and bouncing, the one-sided training session comes to a pause for a fifteen minute break. Obviously, Lee and Gai continue sparring, moving their fights further and further away from the scene until they're far enough into the sunset to allow Neji and Tenten some alone time.

Without further delay, the promising NejiTen moment activates.

"Tenten, don't worry. Just because your one thousand percent accuracy and fifty-pound suitcase of scrolls can't even lay a toothpick on me doesn't mean that you're an incompetent failure at life."

"Yeah, I know…but I just think—"

"Tenten, I love you."

The earth itself shifts in surprise, and Tenten faints.

…

Tenten recovers. "…W-W-What?"

Neji sighs. "I _said_, don't worry. Just because your one thousand percent—"

"No, after that."

"Oh." Neji blinks. "A toothpick—"

"After that!"

Neji thinks. "I don't remember."

"Are you sure?" Tenten suggestively glances at her teammate. "Cause I'm sure you said…" She blushes hysterically.

Neji steps toward her in mild curiosity, eyes glued to the surname-less girl's cheeks. "What's wrong?"

"W-What do you mean, N-Neji-_kun_?" She turns redder.

Neji raises an eyebrow at the disgusting suffix but decides not to make a big deal out of it. "Something's wrong." His eyes narrow. "Your face suddenly became strange."

"…"

Insightful as ever, Neji raises his head to peek at the sun. "Is the overexposure to ultraviolet radiation producing sunburn on the sensitive tissues upon your face?"

"…" Tenten wordlessly stares, as the shade of fluffy pink slowly melts.

Neji returns his focus to the silent girl, removes his outer layer of clothing and hands it to her. "Here."

And so, the blush immediately creeps back. As his closest friend, Tenten was positive that this was the first time Neji has ever offered his own jacket to anybody. And to top it off, he sacrificed the condition of his own skin to provide a shield from the sun for hers. Talk about romantic!

"Thank you, Neji-kuuuuun." Tenten dreamily sighs, and wraps the semi-sweaty sweater above her face, inhaling all the Hyuugan goodness and body odor from the fabric. Maybe she should pretend to get sunburns during every training session from now on.

"…What are you doing?"

Tenten removes the cloth from her face. "Hm?" she questions as seductively as possible.

"That's my sweater you're staining."

"…"

"I thought I had successfully implied that I was becoming too hot from staring at the sun and therefore needed to eliminate my thickest article of clothing."

Again, Tenten was dumbstruck. "B-But…you handed it to me!"

"Of course. Throwing it onto the ground would've dirtied my Hyuugan clothing and pride."

Tenten's heart broke into 1010 pieces. "So I was just…holding it for you?" Suddenly, her inner weapon mistress of Konoha, despite failing to land a single weapon on her training partner, roars with rage. "You little—"

"Anyway, it's fine now. I've cooled down." Neji snatched his garment back. "What were you saying?"

"Never mind…" Tenten let out a gigantic sigh. She was expecting a much more romantic NejiTen scene.

"By the way…" Neji smooths out the few creases and wrinkles that his attire donned. "I now vaguely recall what I had said earlier."

The brunette girl's head immediately shoots up, and an eager smile unfolds upon her lips. "What is it?"

"Tenten," Neji murmurs quietly, with an indecipherable expression gradually unfolding.

Her eyes illuminate with amorous colors. "Yes, Neji?"

"…You're a failure at life."

…

She runs.

Neji watches his upset teammate storm out of the training grounds and into a jungle that the nearby trees puked out of nowhere, and then sits down to begin his daily meditation regime. But AA grabs the canon Hyuuga Neji out of Konoha and throws down a completely OOC one for replacement. The OOC Neji runs toward the direction that Tenten exited, even though he wasn't here to witness her running away in the first place.

Tenten continues to dash through the jungles and forests and grand canyons until finally, she finds the most romantic setting AA's amateur creativity could possibly generate: a grassy meadow with nothing but lavenders, honey bees, and the Yamanaka flower shop.

She runs and runs, completely oblivious of the fact that OOC Neji's chasing her, shrieking her name like there's no tomorrow.

Tenten stops suddenly, posing with a sentimental stance in a pool of pink roses, even though the meadow had only lavenders a second ago. Anyway, this particular spot has incredible significance to the intricate plotline 'cause it's the first moment in history that Tenten and OOC Neji meet face to face.

"Tenten!" The fragrant air carries Neji's sappy voice—that only exists in the FF world—across the background's mountains, foreground's hidden dimensions, and finally into the female's ear. In response, she spins around sensationally, her auburn tresses swaying around the planet's circumference and back, as if her two trademark buns never existed to begin with.

"Neji…" She stares at the man standing ten feet before her with a clueless expression. "W-Why are you here?" she asks, completely unaware that there's only one practical explanation for Neji to follow her to the ends of the world, into the middle of nowhere. But hey, who said clichés were ever practical?

"Because…" Neji suffers a severe case of sunburn as well. "You ran away…"

Tenten opens her mouth to recite her sugary response but pauses to choke back her unappealing tears. She can't say anything. Not 'cause of her tears, but because AA doesn't know what line to give her.

"Oh, Tenten, I love you too!" With that said and done, Neji runs toward her with open arms. Tenten's eyes brighten like hyper light bulbs and she too begins to float closer. And now, the flowery meadow glows more than ever as the two lovebirds close the never-ending distance of ten feet separating them.

But Tenten soon stops, with eyes wide and mouth agape. "…Wait, I didn't even confess yet."

"Oh." Neji blinks. "Damn."

Tenten smiles sheepishly. "Let's restart the confession."

"'Okay."

"I love you!" Tenten immediately cuts to the chase, and begins to sob again because her love for the man is just too painful and cheesy.

Neji's colorless eyes start to shimmer with red hearts as the two begin running toward each other again. Finally, after forever and a day, Neji pulls Tenten into a tight embrace, and buries his head into the nape of her neck.

AA needs to use the bathroom now so she'll just leave the two darlings in the frozen hugging position for a bit. And in case you haven't been informed, AA had a really, really detailed lunch today. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the motionless film.

AA returns in a reasonable number of hours and finally, Neji and Tenten are able to pull apart. However, Neji doesn't want to just yet. He tilts his head down and stares into Tenten's eyes, soul, and down her shirt as well. Just as Tenten's getting kind of freaked out and reaches for her pepper spray, Neji raises her chin and leans in. Lo and behold, he kisses her right on the lips! Is it just Stfu's face or is it getting hot in here?

Anyway, as always, AA forgets to describe the kiss with her SAT vocabulary so she'll just leave it to your imagination with this thought-provoking line:

Tenten's lips were soft.

They soon lose ability to breathe, and break apart. Tenten, still portrayed as the slowest person in Konoha, looks at Neji with a bewildered expression. "W-Was that a…" Her eyes flutter in a _honto ni kawaii_ way. "…kiss?"

Neji smiles in a way that all arrogant Hyuuga men would find disgraceful to the clan. "Yes. I kissed you because I love you, Tenten. I said that a while ago but maybe you were too dumb to understand it so I'll say it again: I. Love. You. And I wanna get into your pants."

Tenten cries again. "Oh, I'm so happy! I would've never expected a cold, arrogant bastard like you to hold these feelings for me!"

Neji chuckles in amusement. "That's the old me. I am now a changed man." His eyes twinkle. "Ever since our meaningful conversation earlier in the afternoon, within our training grounds, which we'll probably never be able to return to, you've been on my mind."

Upon hearing this extended declaration of eternal love, Tenten melts into goo.

Neji continues. "Besides, due to AA's wish for fast and furious character development, I am now hopelessly enchanted by your inability to fight."

Tenten nods. "She made me into a depressed damsel in distress for the same reason, but we shall let the bygones be bygones, and worry about only the future of our fated love."

"Indeed." Neji takes her hand. "It's about time we head off into the sunset now."

"Oh, yes." Tenten wraps her fingers around his tightly. "You think Lee and Gai will let us borrow their dolphins and waves of youth for extra effect?"

"Well, there's only one way to find out."

And they're off, to seek the two humanized fountains of youth.

* * *

><p><span>AN: Don't ask.

Shameless A/N: Just review.


End file.
